I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the reasons I have to dislike men, but well, that seems rather negative. So I thought I’d try to spin my negatives into positives… It seems like men my age, are completely unwilling to commit for a variety of questionable reasons, but at least they aren’t jumping into marriages and serious relationships that they aren’t really into. That could save some woman (me) some serious heartache down the road. Wow, that first one was easier than I thought.
The Brooks article says it’s harder for well-educated women to find men who are equal to them… but education is less important to me than other things. It seems obvious but a man’s (or woman’s) worth is not determined by his level of education. I can really appreciate a person who works hard and isn’t afraid to get their hands dirty. There is nothing more unattractive to me than a whiny lazy dude, PhD or not.
And going back to the first positive, men are afraid of getting married and of having children… That’s fine, because I’m afraid of getting married and having children too. Most people get divorced. The world is over populated. Maybe men are afraid for a good reason. Maybe their fear suggests that they actually have some reverence for the institution of marriage and fatherhood. Is there more? Uncommitted men of my generation might have the right idea about holding-out on the whole marriage/family thing, unfortunately it’s a bit more pressing for women, or at least me.
Here is what I’m afraid of: I’m afraid of having babies after forty (I have 12 years). I’m not sure that is a completely rational fear, because I know women over forty who have had healthy babies, but unfortunately I also know the risk of having babies with developmental disabilities increases after forty. So, there’s always adoption, but that is scary too. It’s amazing to me that I have these concerns, because rationally I don’t even want children, but biologically I think my body is just sending alert signals. I can’t escape my biology with my rationality---apparently.
All this fear and how to overcome it is the real question. I think both men and women of my generation are afraid of divorce, afraid of being bad parents, afraid of being in unhappy marriages, afraid of wasting time with the wrong person, afraid of meeting potential partners, afraid of not meeting them… Then there are the more existential fear questions, like why bring children into such a f’d-up world anyway??? How can you be committed to one person forever when people change and there is no guarantee of changing in compatible ways? Oh, what would the Dalai Lama do?
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All the things I'm afraid of could fill the internet... so we'll just stick to babies after forty.
The Dalai Lama wouldn't have kids either. Like you and me and many other adults, the Dalai Lama probably realizes that there are thousands of amazing fun things to do as an adult that YOU CANNOT DO if you're a parent. Plus, he's celibate.
Thanks for that insight Michael. I'm just like the Dalai Lama then.
It is strange that women think men don't have these same issues.
Men have just as much trouble finding women who want to commit and reproduce as women do but women have an option available to them that men just don't have. A woman who wants to be a mother and who can't find a suitable man has the option of visiting a sperm bank,getting artificially insemenated by the man of her dreams, at least on paper, she can have his baby and raise it by herself or within her community with their full support. A man who can't find a woman to have his baby is finished. Of course, he does have longer to search,he doesn't have to give up hope. There is no biological clock and men can reproduce well into their fifties. But once a man turns 40 and has never been married there must be something "wrong" and his opportunites decrease proportionately to his age. Another problem men face that women don't have to worry about is that their current girlfriend can get pregnant either by accident or by her secret choice thus forcing the decision onto the man to either "step up to the plate" or "just be a bastard like all other men". This statement does not mean I am trying to downplay a woman getting accidently pregnant, it happens, but a woman has the option of quietly taking care of it without anyone ever even knowing. Once pregnancy is announced to a man,well, I've already noted his options.
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